When Criticism Hits Your Biggest Insecurity: How One Leader Turned a Gut Punch Into a Partnership Win

Angie, an executive director I work with, received an email that hit like a punch to the gut. A potential partner pointedly asked about her organization's "staff retention issues"—targeting her deepest insecurity as a leader.

Five years ago, this email would have sent Angie into either defensive anger or complete retreat.

Instead, she did something different.

The Power of the Pause

Angie paused and asked herself one crucial question: "Is this actually an issue specific to us, or is this an industry reality?"

The answer? Every nonprofit she knew was struggling with retention. It wasn't her failure as a leader—it was a sector-wide challenge.

This simple reality check changed everything.

Showing Up Without Armor

So she showed up to the meeting with a different energy entirely. She didn't come armed with defenses about staff retention. In fact, she didn't even mention it, and neither did they. She let that dig go and showed up with confidence in herself, her leadership, and her organization.

The result? She secured the partnership with an even larger role for her organization than originally discussed.

By not "taking the bait," she kept her energy focused on what mattered—advancing her mission—instead of defending against someone else's projection.

The Practice That Changes Everything

When someone triggers your deepest insecurities, here's the practice that's transforming how my clients show up:

Get curious instead of reactive.

When you notice a trigger, pause and ask yourself:

• "Is this about me specifically, or is this about something bigger?"

• "What's this really about?"

• "Do I need to carry this criticism as personal failure?"

Sometimes we discover that the thing that triggered us isn't ours to carry. It's someone else's projection or their own unresolved issue, and we don't have to take the bait.

Your Energy is Too Precious

You don't have to carry every criticism as personal failure. Your energy is too precious to waste defending against other people's projections.

When you can distinguish between what's yours to address and what's simply someone else's stuff being projected onto you, you free up tremendous energy to focus on what actually matters.

This Week's Gentle Practice

When someone's comment stings, pause before responding and ask: "Is this about me specifically, or is this about something bigger?"

Show up for what matters instead of defending against projections that aren't even accurate.

Sometimes the most powerful response to a provocation is simply letting your work speak for itself.

What "bait" do you need to stop taking in your leadership? Have you noticed patterns in the criticisms that trigger you most? I'd love to hear how getting curious instead of reactive has shifted things for you—share in the comments below.